Maswali?

This post is not my usual cup of tea but just needed to get some divergent opinions on some issues that have been on my mind.

  1. When you are going out with someone when does it become exclusive? is it an agreed moment or is it up to one of them to point out that the relationship is exclusive? Is it when the relationship gets physical? or is it just because you are identified by other people as a couple?
  2. When going out you are technically both single so if you meet someone else and you decide to see him/her before breaking off the other relationship is this considered cheating?

An argument I have heard is that during the single phase you cannot be considered to be cheating because it is assumed that you are still exploring and assesing the suitability of various partners therefore the onset of exclusivity is Marriage or at the very earliest on formal engagement. Reason being before then there is no legal contract or solemn vow. This argument has mainly been advanced by guys.

The other side of the coin is that once you are seeing someone and you have declared yourself as a couple then looking sideways is cheating already. But sometimes I find you can be accused of cheating by someone who you have only shared one coffee outing or one date with if you as much as take another person on an outing.

Caution: here I am not talking about sleeping with another person, just seeing someone else.

I don’t advocate sleeping around but sometimes couples can have very discordant views of exactly what stage they are in a relationship especially in regard to the issue of seeing other people.

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21 Responses

  1. Fao.

    Makofi

  2. Maswali magumu haya. I have realised that I don’t have a ready answer. Kesho.

    Hebu nisaidie!

  3. umempata ndugu? 😀

    Nani?

  4. that start of intimacy — not necessarily sexual — is the end of both of you being single and hence cheating if either one continues to see someone else.

    an ideal progression in a relationship is where both parties move from affection and fondness for each other towards intimacy and love without having to define each phase of the transition.

    I agree but sometimes both of you are not on the same page as relates to this progression

  5. In my fabulous opinion :
    1. It becomes exclusive when both people in the relationship agree that it is.
    2. this is on a cusp.. in a way its cheating because u not being honest to the other person. you are emotionally invested in someone else. But then its important to have a back up if shit aint working u know n that isn’t always a bad thing 🙂

    I see no problem with going out n meeting people on coffee dates or whatever c they r friends and friendhsips also need to be maintained- if its being done kisirisiri thats when u worry..

    yeah that kisirisiri business can cause big problems.

  6. I dont think anyone (except in books) actually sits down and says “ok we are exclusive” you sort of just find yourselves spending time with each other more and more. Whether its legal i.e. marriage or just relationship its the emotions that matter not the legality.

    therfore exclusivity is implied rather than agreed

    But being accused of cheating on someone after a cup of coffee? thats just plain pyscho!

    True!

  7. My two cents… When you can afford to ask the him or her a question like “Who is he/ she?” With a certain kinyongo in your throat… then the story for being single is no longer there… As for meeting people for coffee dates, well, that shouldnt be his or her bizz but if there is a feeling like it could result to a disagreement… then tell them you will be on a coffee date with someoe else… hoping they are sane enough not to build a mountain out of that…

    When asking that question you must be anticipating a postive answer cos if the answer is NO it can be very devastating.

  8. If both of you went out on coffee dates with other people in different places, then exchanged notes and none of you felt ‘kinyongo in the throat’, then either you are both too mature, or have no strong feelings for each other.

    I’d say if one person felt it coz the other went out with someone else, reverse the roles and if the same happened, then ya ‘exclusive’. In that stage of a relationship, insecurity could be an issue especially if you met on the same kind of settings.

    Yaani you should be scared of loosing what you have already

  9. Still blank.

    Relationship, just like love is a necessary risk. There are no specific rules. Mostly you just let things flow, incase you have feelings for her, and you make love (different from having sex), and find that you are sexually compatible, then I guess you need to talk about that exclusive thing. If you are not compatible, wacha aende. Si afterall sex is an important part of a relationship, just not the most important. Actually, I think getting into a relationship is an excuse for sex, that’s why people get into multiple ones simultaneously, even when they are exclusive. I guess I’m not that blank after all. These are just my 2 cents worth. Good luck.

    LOL you view is certainly different!

  10. what, you updated? and I didn’t get memo.
    now I have to rewind and read.

  11. Lecture one;

    At some point in the “we are getting to know each other stage” at some point- you have to decide whether you are exclusive or not. Do NOT LET IT JUST HAPPEN. By doing so no boundary has been set and therefore no cheating can be said to have been done. We need things in black and white people- too many hearts broken, too many unwanted pregnancies, too many unwanted diseases. You have to have the talk. Why avoid it anyway? Why avoid talking about whether you are exclusive or not? Just incase what? You can not think that you will be un-accountable now but when you are married accountability will check-in. Unless of course you have a “damascus” experience.

    You have a point there its important to know where you both really stand at some points before you can invest in more intimacy I guess.

    LECTURE TWO;
    To have tea/coffee/lunch/soda/movie IS NOT DATING. Is this a “eureka” moment people? So if your significant other is having tea/etc with someone of the opposite sex, it’s just tea/etc.Kwani now people mst stop drinking tea/etc because they are in a relationship?

    True true.

    LECTURE THREE;

    What does seeing other people mean?How are you seeing them, I guess I a asking through which eyes? “Is this a potential?”. You know what we treat dating like we are at a buffet table- we think we have started with the salad and we can’t wait to get to the end of the table coz that is where the real good meat is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I have news for you “IT IS ALL SALAD” on this table.

    Loooool!

    LECTURE FOUR;
    Thanks for updating. I am smiling.

  12. Thanks Guys very interesting views and I appreciate them all, I guess I would not be wrong in concluding that as you spend more time with someone you need to define the limits of the relationship and they should be clear to both of you. Also its ok to occassionally go out with other poeple but it should be done openly and it may be harmless but feeling a bit ‘choked’ when you partner does this is OK cos it shows that there is some feeling in the relationship.

  13. @kirima- you have officially passed this class. That answer there got B+. There is room for improvement hehehehehehehe or as my art teacher used to say, “pull up your socks”- which I did literally but it did nothing for my art work.

    LOL on your socks, Thanks for the passing grade

  14. how many marks?
    anyway here are my answers

    1. It becomes exclusive when you have the ‘talk’, you know ‘where are we going with this?’ and you agree to be exclusive. usually one party brings it up, in my opinion the man should do it. it id not ehen otherd identify you but when the both of you do, it helps to tell others too once you’ve made the decision to be exclusive.

    2. now this depends on whether the two of you are committed particularly if you have discussed the possibility of marriage. if you are committed tread carefully with 3rd parties. Granted thinks like coffee, lunch etc are not cheating( unless of course you have intentions, then that would be cheating). As i said tread carefully here…

    Looks like there is no escaping ‘the talk’

  15. I really think that talking about stuff is key.

    It definately looks like ‘talk’ rules

  16. am taking notes!

    That notebook of yours must be 200 pages full

  17. Kip should now upgrade to audio notes, his notbook must be full up now.

  18. there has to be a conversation, otherwise how will the parties know that there is no longer room to maneuver. Both parties have to be on the same page. I also think this should be way before the hook up, ’cause that tends to cloud things up. Also, when that checks in, girls (usually) tend to develop a sense of ownership. Before u dive in at the deep end u gots to know how deep the water is. Relationships are built over time. As time passes it’ll come up then the decision can be made. It should not be forced, though, ’cause then the probability of the horse bolting the cage increases. (very long answer to very simple question).
    With or without commitment both parties must be allowed to have friendships outside the relationship. This gives balance to their lives and ensures that there is not too much reliance on any one person. As long as there is openess. . . life’s good.

    I think I should upgrade my question to when is it not just talk but the ‘talk’ isn’t it true that when in a relationship you are constantly talking?

  19. 1. short and sweet – and not original, sadly. you are exclusive after ‘the talk’ and not a second before. @HnH yes, people do have that talk, and if you don’t/haven’t usishtuke when the dude throws you question 2…

    2. yes it is cheating because you have used the words ‘going out’ and ‘seeing’ and ‘breaking off’ and ‘relationship’ which to me shows quite clearly your mindframe and/or reason for asking the question.

    Clear? 🙂

    Crystal clear!!! 😮

  20. How timely especially the first part on exclusivity. I have never had that talk normally its implied or part of an introduction as his woman. Off to schedule a “talk” LOL.

    Thanks for this one.

  21. i’m in this predicament as we speak and i’m not sure how we’re supposed to have that conversation. the one thing im NOT going to do is assume. no thank you.
    the other problem is the issue of records. what date will we be celebrating? the day we met?the day we agreed to be exclusive? the first time we had sex? which one?
    glad to see i’m not the only one who wonders about it.

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